Leadership and Self-Deception – getting out of the box by The Arbinger Institute

How often do you find yourself being annoyed with an employee or person because they didn’t say or do something you thought they should have? What about that problem employee that you can never seem to get through too? Well, The Arbinger Institute via “Leadership and Self-Deception” wants you to know it is because you have but them in a box. Further more the only way to resolve these issues is for you and them to get out of the box. Here is an example of how we put people in the box. I will use one of the situations the book sites with a little expansion on the idea to make the point clearer.

A man, Bud and his wife, Nancy are sound asleep when their new born baby wakes and starts crying. Bud at first thinks I should get up and get the baby and give Nancy a break. However, not really wanting to leave the warm bed he immediately decides that she should be the one to get up because: He works as hard as she does……He works harder than her…….His job is more demanding……He has an actual boss to contend with…..She can take a nap during the day….She is lazy…..What a terrible mother for not jumping out of bed! So as you can see within a few nano seconds Nancy goes from someone who is worthy of help to a terrible lazy person. Keep in mind, Nancy is still sleeping and unaware of the hoops her husband has just jumped through in his mind. Why did he do it? Well, he felt guilty because he didn’t act on his initial feeling. And in order to get over his quilt he had to make her into an undeserving slacker. Now this would be all well in good but watch what happens next. Nancy hearing the baby; gets up. Bud, now quite furious pulls the covers a little tighter over himself and in doing so robs some from Nancy’s side of the bed. His new found hostility is vibrating from the bed. So when Nancy returns to the bed she can sense his rage and ask him “What’s wrong?” Response “Nothing I’m just tired and I have a hard day tomorrow!” Nancy climbs into bed and mutters to herself “It’s not my fault you hate your job why do you insist on taking it out on me?” And the ice storm begins. Bud and Nancy were the exact same people before the baby waking as they were after the baby waking. Yet now Bud tags Nancy as lazy and he is unappreciated while Nancy sees Bud as a whiner and complainer and she is his victim.

The authors suggest that Bud’s refusal to act on his first impulse is an act of self betrayal. “Self betrayal is an act contrary to what I feel I should do for another. When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal. When I see a self-justifying world, my view of reality becomes distorted. So when I betray myself, I enter the box. Over time, certain boxes become characteristic of me, and I carry them with me. By being in the box, I provoke others to be in the box. In the box, we invite mutual mistreatment and obtain mutual justification. We collude in giving each other reason to stay in the box.”

The book explains that most people when they start a job are grateful for the employment and for the opportunity. They want to do their best for their company and for the people in it. But interview those same people a year later and their feelings are usually very different. Their feelings toward many of their coworkers have changed. The same people who where committed, engaged, motivated, and looking forward to working as a team, are now having problems with each other. And who do you suppose they think caused those problems, everyone else in the company. They have roundly boxed in the company and most of their colleagues. This leads to mutual lack of commitment and motivation. They end up thinking “Why should I when they won’t” instead of honoring their original intentions.

The authors go onto explain that once you start betraying your self you also begin deceiving yourself. This is the way you stay in the box. Remember how Bud had to start blaming Nancy and over emphasis his own virtues so he didn’t have to feel bad about not acting on his initial feelings. His self deception was the only way he could keep her in her box which automatically made him stay in his. He justified his not getting up and blamed her for not getting up. Meanwhile she got mad at his reaction to her so she put him in a box to justify her own anger which kept her in her box,

I know to many boxes, so I went ahead and made up an easy to read chart that will help you understand the concepts in this book. Just click on the link located in the sidebar. Download it and use it however you like I only ask that you acknowledge where you got it. I really enjoyed this book and have used the concepts more than once. These concepts when applied can make a big difference in the outcome of a situation. Try them for yourself and see.

Meanwhile thanks for stopping by and I hope you enjoyed the review. Pam